You can come to a point where silence is all that remains.
What is there really to say?
When you realize you can move no one and don’t need to, you begin to relax and enjoy being.
As I was sitting in the ambulance last night, which I am still shaken by, having trouble breathing, heart racing 180 beats a minute and not stopping, I was scared.
Some firefighters showed up to help the ambulance I pulled over on the way to the hospital.
I jumped out of my car and almost collapsed in front of them.
I was yelling Help, please help, I’m not doing well.
Then all of a sudden, I was surrounded by help.
As they were sticking me and talking to me, I had the odd experience of not remembering my address.
That alone terrified me.
Was I losing my mind?
Not now I begged.
Why would I want to remain in such a fucked up world?
But I did want to be here, with all my heart I did.
I felt like passing out, but said to myself, if you do, you might not come back.
So I willed myself awake.
I tightened up my muscles like a jet fighter pilot pulling heavy Gs and with rapid breathes forced the blood back into my head.
I was pulling some heavy Gs.
I was heading toward the ground.
Slowly, my heart rate dropped, a little hope crept back into my fuzzy mind.
Hold on I said, hold on, breathe, relax.
I watched it all happening like a spectator.
I said to myself, this might be it Eric, but let’s fight for this I said to myself.
Don’t fail me now I begged my body.
Almost saying it out loud.
Earlier, I let my wife know I’d never felt like this and she should know how much I love her and the dogs and how this might be very serious.
I am not attempting to embellish anything.
Last night I thought I was dying.
For all my talk to date, I was scared and felt very mortal and small.
I had just been talking to my wife that day at how amazing our life seemed to be going while many feared the happenings afoot.
I had noticed my mind’s relationship to my body and spoken to her of the power of the body and it’s will.
I felt like I was working with myself now, not against.
And commented how I felt the mind to be what I had been touching so deeply or been so deeply touched by.
And it felt like a traveler to me.
I felt myself to be a traveler sharing time with my body.
Strange thing to talk about earlier in the day.
How we bring the body under our will or find a detente rather.
How it resists sometimes and kicks us like a mule.
For some don’t take the bit well.
But still, something maybe not mortal burned in me with an intensity I had rarely felt.
I wasn’t scared of dying, and that’s when my heart rate began to drop, but I was scared of losing contact with what I loved.
I was like a wild animal screaming inside, no, please don’t take me away from them!
I felt alone, but I knew others would experience my death in their way too.
Smelly goat felt how much he was deeply deeply loved.
Most in public can’t stand the smell, fools all, but for the ones who can see through me, there is a love I am not worthy of that surrounds me coming forth from them for me.
I do my best to be worthy of that love.
A love that I owe much to in my life.
A harsh and gentle hand at times, by no means passive or inanimate, participatory and dare I say, personal.
This evening I had that compulsion to search for something related to my studies again as I was relaxing and resting.
I came across a woman by fate or chance, Elaine Pagels.
She is an academic I knew nothing about, but I had been influenced by her work about the Gnostic Gospels ironically.
The Gnostic Jesus is the one who I met as a child.
The Jesus I met as a child, inside me, taught me this Gnostic way.
More and more I appreciate those crazy Gnostics.
The article was interesting about her, from the 90s.
She had experienced great loss and then written a book about Satan.
A fabricated enemy, the best enemy maybe we could have.
The love of her life of 20 years died at 49.
He fell off a mountain, a well known physicist who studied chaos and complexity, tragic but absurdly comical to me and I would say enlightening.
She had lost a child previously and was now a widow and mother of young children.
Where just before sky was the limit for her and husband.
I am 49 and to read her story was an experience.
I of course took it as direct contact by mind.
We live with a heritage of demonization in the west.
An epic battle of good and evil.
Everyone is affected by this cultural unconscious meme religious or not.
Have you ever looked into evil?
Ones who preach about the evil in the world and how it must be countered miss the point of Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas.
I’ve been having a bit of fun going through Gnostic texts, strange pagan documents part of the Nag Hamadhi scrolls.
Being an ex-Christian, I have looked into their secret chaotic past.
As a boy, the Jesus I met was the Jesus of Thomas.
There was no Othodoxy or demonization of others in my heart and faith.
I rejected all that nonsense when I was a boy.
I knew better at 10.
I had more knowledge than the pastors at times.
I was a bit of a radical.
I was often looking into things I was not supposed to.
Ultimately that search went into myself.
In the Gospel of Thomas, now one of my favorite passages, Jesus says,
‘If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.’
This is something I have known intuitively since childhood.
Well muppets, that bore out to be true for myself.
The work is yours and yours alone.
The evil is not our there, it is within us and that’s where one should be focused.
You can come to a place where you feel an invisible hand at work.
The daimon possessed are seen to be from hell.
Many artists and literates have learned the devil throws the best parties.
Ironically I had stuck to the heart of the Gnostic faith as a child naturally.
Anyway, my attention is within.
I’m grateful to be breathing.
It’s wonderful even.
But it could stop any moment.
If you realize death is not an end it seems less scary.
But it will be your end.
Do I love my fate?
But I am not fated to die, I will live, at least for today.
Live the fuck out of your life is all can say.
Smile like you fucking god damn mean it.
Then, from here, look out again upon the collective sense world and you may find it seems a little smaller.
I have always been terrified of the dark.
Ironic now that it is that darkness where I must abide.
This unknown country is knowable it seems.
And that brings a deep joy.
And yes, then you die.
My words may seem extreme, but life ain’t for wimps.
It continues to amaze and terrify me.
I don’t have anything clocked, but neither does anyone else really.
We are learning to breathe at depth is all.
Here we are on this ship of fools and children.
Heading toward unknown waters.
I don’t know if we can fit captain!
Better get the sawzalls out.